Last-Minute Half-Assed Xmas Gifts

It's less than a week 'til Christmas and I'll just bet you haven't done a damn thing handcrafted gift-wise. No? Me neither. Bah Humbug I say! I don't know about you but I'm getting ready to head out to the drugstore and buy up some Chia Pets and Halloween candy from the markdown bin and slap some bows on those suckers. I also haven't made the first decoration either, though I've been quite tempted by the Freaky Furry Star posted last year in Ho Ho Hell.

The Vintage Stitch-O-Rama provided a much-needed service last holiday season by posting crafty ideas for last-minute crap-making that pretty much guaranteed that you wouldn't have to give those same gift recipients anything this year. I'm guessing those lucky people have gotten restraining orders on your ass. If they haven't then you weren't trying hard enough, so you have a second chance to make somebody cry this year and all gifts are Certified Vintage!

It wouldn't be a Bad Vintage Craft Idea unless there were Racist Toys now, would it? Oddly enough like last year's Gifts For People You Don't Like Very Much there is an Eskimo and a Zulu plus the new addition of a couple of Injuns. In the spirit of racial harmony there's a little Honky Pirate included.


Mmmm! Grandma-In-A-Can! I don't know about you, but I've got a hankering for a hunka Canned Grandma. Microwave-safe and good for you! Maybe.

Racist Toys and Grandma-In-A-Can from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1964-65

This perplexing little guy is very special. Special-Ed I might say. Not only is he wearing a hat with cat ears and a pom-pom he's also wearing what appears to be a bright orange diaper. I don't know how you'd explain little Special-Ed to some lucky child but so long as you make the kid feel really embarassed and uncomfortable it'll all work out in the end. That's what childhood is for.

This little short bus window-licker would make a perfect companion for last year's Spooky Nude Mono-Bosomed Doll but you'd have to explain very carefully just what he's not supposed to do to the Naked Lady.

McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer 1961

I like making jewelery for people but I don't make anything resembling the next two horrors since I actually like the people I tend to give jewelery to.

The bracelet to the left is alleged to be "Victorian-style" but only of the Victorians in question were completely insane and used jagged broken glass out of the garbage to decorate themselves. One of the inhabitants of Bedlam might have had this bracelet, but only for a few hours before it would be stolen by one of the other maniacs to slash the throat of a couple of the guards before making her escape. She'd roam the streets stark naked, covered in mud and leaves, and nannies would tell their charges if they didn't eat their vegetables they would wind up just like her, shreiking and writing bad words on shop windows in poop.

That's kinda what I see. I also see that the thing is made in lead. So make a couple for someone you'd like to see slowly poisoned. Promise to visit them in Bedlam.

McCall's again, Fall-Winter 1974-75

For that lucky someone who has been writing bad words in poop for a while now, like maybe your boss or your gym teacher, here's a cheery Crap Bear Pendant. It just screams out "I kinda hate you" doesn't it? It even looks at you as though it's harboring some deep, dark secret about you it might just tell to its other Crap Bear friends. They'd be whispering and giggling but when you walk into the room it suddenly goes dead quiet and they'll turn and stare at you like Mr. Bean.

Don't tell me it doesn't look like Mr. Bean. But at least it's not Goddamned Crocheted Hippie Boots. Save those for someone you really hate.

McCalls, Spring-Summer 1970

Say you have this boyfriend. Say he's a total fucktard. Say he keeps wondering why you never knit him anything special. Say you've never knitted him anything special because you're planning to dump his lousy ass and didn't want to waste the time on knitting him jack shit. Say you were planning to wait until after the holidays when things were a little less hectic and you wanted to see what he'd bought you.

The perfect gift for this perfect guy would be Strange Beachwear made from Aunt Lydia's Rug Yarn. This is the perfect alternative to the ubiquitous Boyfriend Sweater. So manly! So practical! And you know his grandma will want to borrow his Crocheted Poncho.

Remember this is made from acrylic rug yarn. That's just how much you love the guy.

McCall's, of course, Spring-Summer 1970.