Sunday, December 17, 2006

Last-Minute Half-Assed Xmas Gifts

It's less than a week 'til Christmas and I'll just bet you haven't done a damn thing handcrafted gift-wise. No? Me neither. Bah Humbug I say! I don't know about you but I'm getting ready to head out to the drugstore and buy up some Chia Pets and Halloween candy from the markdown bin and slap some bows on those suckers. I also haven't made the first decoration either, though I've been quite tempted by the Freaky Furry Star posted last year in Ho Ho Hell.

The Vintage Stitch-O-Rama provided a much-needed service last holiday season by posting crafty ideas for last-minute crap-making that pretty much guaranteed that you wouldn't have to give those same gift recipients anything this year. I'm guessing those lucky people have gotten restraining orders on your ass. If they haven't then you weren't trying hard enough, so you have a second chance to make somebody cry this year and all gifts are Certified Vintage!

It wouldn't be a Bad Vintage Craft Idea unless there were Racist Toys now, would it? Oddly enough like last year's Gifts For People You Don't Like Very Much there is an Eskimo and a Zulu plus the new addition of a couple of Injuns. In the spirit of racial harmony there's a little Honky Pirate included.


Mmmm! Grandma-In-A-Can! I don't know about you, but I've got a hankering for a hunka Canned Grandma. Microwave-safe and good for you! Maybe.

Racist Toys and Grandma-In-A-Can from McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Fall-Winter 1964-65

This perplexing little guy is very special. Special-Ed I might say. Not only is he wearing a hat with cat ears and a pom-pom he's also wearing what appears to be a bright orange diaper. I don't know how you'd explain little Special-Ed to some lucky child but so long as you make the kid feel really embarassed and uncomfortable it'll all work out in the end. That's what childhood is for.

This little short bus window-licker would make a perfect companion for last year's Spooky Nude Mono-Bosomed Doll but you'd have to explain very carefully just what he's not supposed to do to the Naked Lady.

McCall's Needlework & Crafts, Spring-Summer 1961

I like making jewelery for people but I don't make anything resembling the next two horrors since I actually like the people I tend to give jewelery to.

The bracelet to the left is alleged to be "Victorian-style" but only of the Victorians in question were completely insane and used jagged broken glass out of the garbage to decorate themselves. One of the inhabitants of Bedlam might have had this bracelet, but only for a few hours before it would be stolen by one of the other maniacs to slash the throat of a couple of the guards before making her escape. She'd roam the streets stark naked, covered in mud and leaves, and nannies would tell their charges if they didn't eat their vegetables they would wind up just like her, shreiking and writing bad words on shop windows in poop.

That's kinda what I see. I also see that the thing is made in lead. So make a couple for someone you'd like to see slowly poisoned. Promise to visit them in Bedlam.

McCall's again, Fall-Winter 1974-75

For that lucky someone who has been writing bad words in poop for a while now, like maybe your boss or your gym teacher, here's a cheery Crap Bear Pendant. It just screams out "I kinda hate you" doesn't it? It even looks at you as though it's harboring some deep, dark secret about you it might just tell to its other Crap Bear friends. They'd be whispering and giggling but when you walk into the room it suddenly goes dead quiet and they'll turn and stare at you like Mr. Bean.

Don't tell me it doesn't look like Mr. Bean. But at least it's not Goddamned Crocheted Hippie Boots. Save those for someone you really hate.

McCalls, Spring-Summer 1970

Say you have this boyfriend. Say he's a total fucktard. Say he keeps wondering why you never knit him anything special. Say you've never knitted him anything special because you're planning to dump his lousy ass and didn't want to waste the time on knitting him jack shit. Say you were planning to wait until after the holidays when things were a little less hectic and you wanted to see what he'd bought you.

The perfect gift for this perfect guy would be Strange Beachwear made from Aunt Lydia's Rug Yarn. This is the perfect alternative to the ubiquitous Boyfriend Sweater. So manly! So practical! And you know his grandma will want to borrow his Crocheted Poncho.

Remember this is made from acrylic rug yarn. That's just how much you love the guy.

McCall's, of course, Spring-Summer 1970.



18 comments:

Scott said...

Oh, sweet Lord, tell me I'm not getting a crocheted man-dress for Christmas.

Severina said...

Those are knitted man-dresses. Get it right.

msfortuknit said...

I shouldve never let you off the phone! hahahah

Those are the most disturbing finger puppets to date!
Oh and the glass, your discription just did not do it justice!

....only lovely men can wear lovely man dresses I gather ey?

Hope the purse is coming along kinder

Severina said...

Just be glad those aren't men's caftans. Talk about something being really wrong. Those don't even look good on women.

Jane said...

To scare those folks I'm tired of giving gifts to, I'm not going to make any of these - I'm just going to send them the link to your page and tell them, "Oh, I think the knitted man dress is just the thing for you!"

Severina said...

You know those are gonna be the people who love man-dresses and they'll pick out the yarn & the colors & then you'll be so screwed.

If that's the case then I'd push the poncho, 'cos there ain't much funnier than a grown man in a crocheted poncho.

BlackCrow said...

Hey NO knocking the poncho! That's a Tasmanians National costume, along with Ugg Boots....and nothing else! :)
A knitted man dress could get a guy in a lot of trouble down here! Especially at the 'DON'....a boot scootin' cowboy bar decked out with dead animals and where even the women look more masculine than the men!

Severina said...

Now I'm scared!

sunneshine said...

damn, why didn't I see this post about three weeks ago!! I would be done with MY lace scarf and off the hook for next year...must remember...

pinsandneedles said...

Holy shit! The racist toys and the knitted man dresses are wack!

Stephieface said...

I like how the Indian chief is saddened by the stealing of his land by the white man. See his frown? And the Honky Pirate is sad because he doesn't even warrant a hook hand or anything... how can he plunder booty?

Towanda, Amazonian Jungle Temptress said...

That dreamy man on the right holding the beach volleyball has really rung my bell. He could fulfill my most outrageous Robin Hood on the Beach fantasies. No, leave the sexy man-dress ON, Robin ... leave it on. We'll rob from the rich to give to the poor after we're done putting hydrocortisone cream on my itchy rug acrylic rash.

Obsidian Kitten said...

Must.bookmark.page.for.next.xmas...

And last year's headgear appropriately monogrammed "BM"--now that's TRULY special...

But the bear...ah the bear...is that the Brown Stuff you put in my box? I eagerly await...

*gnawing at fingernails*

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