Friday, July 17, 2015


Named for the brains of Isaac Asimov’s robots and Star Trek TNG’s Soong-type androids, Positronic is a squishy garter-stitch scarf with an easy shape and flashy graphics.

Knitter needs some familiarity with short-row knitting---there isn’t a tutorial of that in the pattern, but it’s an easy knit since the entire thing is worked in garter stitch. I’m reasonably certain I napped through huge sections of knitting.
Design calls for a specific hand-painted yarn as the main color but your favorite variegated will work just as well and there’s a suggestion on choosing contrasting colors to coordinate with the main color.

Scarf can also be done in three solid colors for a more intense graphic look. Try it in two primaries and a neon. 

Pattern is available on Ravelry for $4.50 USD.

Needs More Cowbell

One day I really will do a new banner and background and hell, why not a whole new blog template.

goes back to sleep

Monday, June 15, 2015



In the Star Trek universe isolinear optical chips are processing and information storage devices used in the computing systems of starships. Isolinear is a cozy garter-stitch scarf with a futuristic asymmetry and slip-stitch color blocks inspired by the LCARS (Library Computer Access and Retrieval System) touchscreens on board the Enterprise-D.

One size, length up to knitter. Sample scarf is 62” long, 15” at widest end and 4” at the narrow end.

Suggested Yarns
Knit Picks Palette, two balls Black (MC), one ball each Cornmeal (CC1), Seraphim (CC2), Golden Heather (CC3) and Urchin (CC4). A longer scarf may use more Black.

 Pattern is available on Ravelry for $6.50 USD.

Saturday, December 06, 2014

Moody Mitts


Have you ever had a perfect morning, then the day suddenly went right down the toilet, or vice versa? These double-sided mitts can be flipped around to show how you really feel--vintage kittens on one side and “Fuck My Life” in a scroungy typewriter font on the other.

Suggested Yarns
Knit Picks Palette, one ball each color. You’ll use less than half of each.
One size, fits palm circumference 7”- 8”

 This pattern is available on Ravelry for $3.00 USD

DIY Embalming For Fun and Profit

No, the blog's not dead yet.  I've got several new patterns I'm working on, a couple Industrial/Gothic, some Victorian/Steampunk, and a Miscellaneous or two.   I still have the intention of cobbling together my monster collection of filet crochet underwear patterns into one book but that project stalled after I got about half the images scanned.  I've sorted them, decided which ones should be re-charted, then left them sitting on the desk underneath a stuffed Dalek.  I rule.

I haven't been regularly blogging for, hell, donkey's years.  A few days ago I saw (yes, really) a whole cooked chicken on the sidewalk as I was walking from the bus stop.  Did I think of taking a picture or at least rambling on about it over at the Blogopticon?  Big fat no. 

I still need to put up a new banner.  I suppose I'll get to that when I'm done watching all episodes of Star Trek TOS, Star Trek TNG, and Star Trek DS9.  Oh yeah, when you buy my patterns you're subsidizing my sad, sad nerd habit.  Sorry.

spazzes away at a Rubik's Cube

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Lunch Hour Washcloth Set

Lunch Hour Washcloth Set is the perfect gift for anyone who loves to combine sandwiches and baths.  Roll a fancy slab of soap up in it and your holiday gift-giving list will magically have one less person on it.  It may also imply that you're perfectly wiling to give them a bath, so watch out.

Be lazy!  Be cheap!  All four sandwich pieces are quick to knit and are made of inexpensive, easy-to-care-for cottons that can take a beating.  Tip:  Buy Sugar 'n' Cream in cones and crank them out like nobody's business.

Pattern includes all four pieces, plus extra ideas like baloney slices and that piece of mystery cheese you just now found way in the back of the fridge.

 This pattern is available on Ravelry for $3.00 USD


Saturday, August 09, 2014


I inexplicably feel like extracting a pig out of something. 

I've posted my first paid pattern here and at Ravelry.  I'll keep my prices dirt cheap, like, under $5.00 for most things and under $10.00 for more complicated stuff.  Most things will probably be in the $3.00-$8.00 range.

Anyhow, all vintage patterns I post will stay free.  Free!

I'm starting to re-do some stuff here.  Most likely I'll start out with good intentions, then abandon things at the halfway point when the drywall is patched and primed but I'll lose steam before I can paint the place.  

I felt like I had to take down the "Free Pattern Emporium" sign since I now have one $3.00 shawl so I've got a manky old placeholder thing up for the moment.  All my graphics stuff is on my Windows laptop and I don't feel like hauling it out.  Everything else is on the Linux laptop I use all the time.  Why two?  Because I can buy surplus laptops dirt cheap and upgrade, plus apparently I like living in an apartment littered with old hard drives and such.

Such is life.  Meh.

Moonwort Shawl

This pattern is available for $3.00 USD

Moonworts are ferns of the genus Botrychium. The name comes from the Shetland fern lace patterns in the shawl, plus it’s knitted from a moonlight-colored yarn (that’s a fancy description for “ordinary gray”). There’s also the added bonus that I get to use the word “wort” in polite company.

Try it in lace weight yarns or a fine-gauge chenille for different looks, scrunch it up like a scarf and tie it, drape it, or you could even wrap raw meat in it.

Pictured shawl uses a fingering weight synthetic to withstand the chemicals I seem to wear home from work and was solely an experiment but it has become my go-to shawl for breezy days. I like the way it flaps in the wind--I’m weird like that.

Approx. 5 oz. (650 yards) fingering weight yarn---your mileage may vary
Several yards of waste yarn for casting on
3.25mm (size 3 US) single-point needles
Two 3.25 double-point needles for edging
Stitch markers
Darning needle

Blocked sample shawl is 20” x 60” (51cm x 152cm)

6 sts and 11 rows to one inch in stockinette stitch