Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Ho Ho Hell

It's a couple days before Christmahannukawanza and you haven't even started decorating your house. What the hell are you waiting for, Martha Stewart?

Well she's busy. Or her assistants are anyway.

You've got to make your own crap this year, so whip out the yarn, glitter, & glue and get started. Everything is from Make It Yourself For Christmas, some 1950's pamphlet seemingly dedicated to making unneccesarily hairy things.

You need something for the tree. What do you mean you haven't gotten a tree yet? Deal with it and make some damn ornaments.

You say you don't have any weird little furry things for the tree? OK so you didn't say, but you thought it, and don't ask me how I know. I just know. Where was I? Ummm, Christmas Pom Poms are the answer! I suggest making them in brown & red and telling everyone they're meatballs. Nothing says Christmas like a tree covered in furry meatballs.

Still got yarn left over? What the hell's wrong with you? You should've made an assload of Pom Poms just so you had the excuse not to make anything else.

You'll learn. You'll learn.

Meanwhile you're forced to make this Freaky Furry Star. No reason except I said so. Throw some glitter on it to make it all festive. Toss 'em on the floor and kick them around a little bit so they get that "crunchy" texture.

Make a bunch so you won't have any yarn left.


Enough with the tree. Don't you have some dink who insists on sending you holiday cards despite the fact that you took his ass off your card list years ago? Every time he sends you a card he wins. You can't have that now, can you?

Get a nasty old wet piece of cardboard, perhaps from a cereal box or even a feminine product carton. Root around way down in the bottom of the trash can for it, I'll wait. Get that yarn you should have used up in the last two projects and make this lovely but Threatening Snowman. Make it all sticky and glue it right the hell to the carboard.

Send him two, just so he gets the picture.



Still got yarn left? What the hell's the matter with you? Was there a sale???

For penance you must make this delicate Sasquatch Angel.

Make it real big so you won't have any yarn left for more holiday crafts. Put it next to your bed so it stares at you. Sleep with the damn thing. See if I care.

Oh yeah, make another one of them sticky snowman cards and send it to yourself, since you don't seem to learn.



You need a centerpiece for that lame holiday dinner party you've planned. The one with all two of your friends.

Get out the yarn and crap you've got left over. Don't even try and tell me you don't have any yarn and crap left over. Lies hurt baby Jesus!

Anyhow.

What says "fuck it" more than trees made of yarn scraps and covered in sequins? Trees made of yarn scraps and only half covered in sequins. Don't even bother glueing the sequins either, since if you had been listening to me you should have used up all your glue on the snowman cards.

Bah humbug!

19 comments:

Stephieface said...

OMG, hahahaha

Do you by chance work in retail, When I did I had this same reaction to teh holidays.... it takes about 3 years to be able to stomach them again.

Lies hurt baby Jesus.... :D I love it

Severina said...

Ohhh, I was forced to work in a very large mall for several years. Knocked the Christmas right outa me.

It might come back, and when it does I'll make scary furry ornaments again...

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