I don't know about you, but I think we all are in need of some last-minute, half-assed handcrafted gift ideas. The kind that makes the recipient wish you'd just stopped at the Rite-Aid on the way to their place and bought a damn Chia Pet.
Our first offering would only be slightly less frightening if it had clothes. Nekkid people shouldn't smile like that.
Behold! The Spooky Nude Mono-Bosomed Doll, with pearls and a Prince Valient hairdo.
Mittens, Socks and Accessories, 1967, despite the fact that this thing is neither a sock, nor a mitten, but could quite possibly an accessory to some sort of crime.
These don't even have the decency to claim to be something slightly useful like a toilet-paper doll. No sirree Bob. Not with eyes crossed like that.
Drunken Southern Sorority Girl Dolls.
There's also no underwear in the pattern, so that kinda fits in with the whole drunken sorority girl thing. Girls Gone Wild, anyone?
Puritan Crochet, no year.
For that lucky hostess on your list how about these Monogrammed Drinking Glass Sweaters? I know how much my drinking glasses hate to catch a chill.
Hey, they're both sporty AND feminine at the same time! Who'da figured?
I guess those drunken sorority gals gotta drink outta something.
Plus they take all of about five minutes apiece to make. Go Team!
Star Flower Edgings, 1949.
How about some racist toys? Racist toys nekkid as the day they were born? Have a go at making these Vaguely Disturbing Nude Ethnic Toys. With this pop-eyed Eskimo and rather excitible Zulu you can play the ever popular Eskimos & Zulus! Includes a Red Cross nurse, in case there's some sort of colonial uprising.
Or make a really weird-ass all-crochet porn film.
No title, pattern ca. 1918.
The same fine folks who brought you the Vaguely Disturbing Nude Ethnic Toys have also designed the Deformed Mule, helpfully labelled as "Mule" in case you couldn't tell on your own. Useful for the "Mule & the Red Cross Nurse" part of the all-crochet porn film.
Sometime like 1918 or something... Yeah, you know, whenever it was that they had mules & Eskimos & Zulus running loose in the streets. Ask your Grandpa. He could tell you about crap like that.
And for the guy who wouldn't know he had everything, even if he did, here's Monogrammed Special-Ed Headgear. With Really Special Mittens, to keep him from chewing his fingers off and touching himself and stuff.
Cause you know we really don't need to see any of that.
Vogue Knitting Book, 11th Edition, 1948.