Saturday, April 07, 2007

Spring Break, part 2

For anyone who was wondering what else went on up there on the moon, as revenge for my damned cat assistant shooting at them for no real reason, the Moon Men coughed on the door handle of my Wonderous Space Projectile. Those bastards gave me Moon Flu! They marched right up to the door handle while we were skulking behind some rocks and coughed up a loogie smack on the handle. I even used the cat to wipe it off but those Moon Germs are pretty contageous. I was coughing up phlegm before we even landed back on Earth.

So for the past week I've been hacking and snorting, sleeping 12-15 hours a day and having some hellacious fever dreams. My boss banished me from the workplace one afternoon, since no-one there had any interest in my Moon Germs, no matter how exotic they were.

Feh.

On to other pointless, rambling subjects.

On the left: a Victorian porn thumbnail. Get clickin' on it. Tab A does insert into Slot B, no matter what year it is.

See, even Teddy Roosevelt is gettin' some in my blog. The teachers kinda explained "Rough Riders" a bit differently in history class.

And no, it wasn't a part of the Spring Break festivities on the moon. If it was, do you think I'd have let my cat shoot at Moon Men and piss them off?

In case you gals thought guys must've been great lovers back in the day, take a look at this 1906 ad for a massager. They even claim it removes wrinkles like those "facial massager" ads you used to see. If you're thinking that massager can't possibly be what you think it is, read The Technology of Orgasm, by Rachel P. Maines. I found the engraving for George Taylor's 1860s "steam-powered Manipulator" pretty amusing. I was also pretty pleased to find my very own vibrator ad in my magazine collection.

The ad says if you are not thoroughly satisfied it's guaranteed by the bank, though I don't know if the bank would be the first place I'd go to complain about a vibrator just not being powerful enough.

A prim Edwardian lady totters into the bank, American Vibrator in hand. When she gets up to the window she slams it dramatically onto the counter and shreiks, "Turbo-charge this motherfucker!"

American Vibrator Company, New Idea Woman's Magazine, June 1906.

6 comments:

Sherri said...

Oh yes, to cure "Hysteria". Some things are just traditional, you know?

Dump your moon cooties, ok? Give them the candy heart. Make 'em cry.

Severina said...

I'm feeling a tad hysterical at the moment, but it could just be another fever dream.

Obsidian Kitten said...

ah yes, "The daily use of the Vibrator will prove its worth in any home." indeed!

and an *American* Vibrator no less.

we have a vintage Violet Wand...not only does it have many lovely accoutrements in its travelling case and is pretty to look at, but it came with a most informative instruction booklet touting the many things it cures, including the complexion, asthma, and constipation. i assure you that it is indeed turbo-charged. (those edwardians did know a thing or two.) i'm sure it would cure hysteria, melancholia, and just about any other "feminine complaint"--possibly even moon-cooties.

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