Vintage Grafitti, 1901
I'm supposed to be busying myself cramming several thousand books into vaguely humorous boxes (my favorite is Cleaned Squid, Tubes & Tentacles) so I can get far, far away from Shreiking Loud Bitch and The Amazingly Unemployed Dumbass. If you're in the market for a loft and find a sympathy card from me tucked into a kitchen drawer labelled "Dear New Tenant, I'm Sorry You Have to Live Here" don't sign the lease!
Anyhow, this little foray into literary defacement hails from a well-loved copy of The Princess, by Alfred, Lord Tennyson, published in 1901.
You know the drill. Click on the pictures to make them bigger and laugh when I tell you to laugh.
Figure 1, a portrait of Alfie himself, illustrates that drawing big hair, amusing beards, and crossed eyes in schoolbooks goes back far into antiquity. OK, so 1901 isn't antiquity, it's oldity. Quit being so damned picky.
Our next illustration clearly shows that despite having his hooves on upside down this horse can still pack a mean kick. A swift blow to the family jewels seems to be old hat in the terms of generating yuks and has had universal appeal for generations. I have no translation of the figure's odd mutterings and can only suppose that the cartoon is some sort of chastising comment on Holy Rollers and Pentecotals--speaking in tongues can only get you kicked in the nads by a deformed horse, so watch it.
What collection of schoolbook grafitti would be complete without mocking portraits of Teacher? In full color? How about two colors then?
Figure 3 shows that even as far back as the Edwardian era they hired the handicapped. One must ask how she maintained any sort of discipline in the classroom without arms. There are no ass-whippings I know of that can be done without the use of hands or arms. Perhaps she's damn good at kicking, but unless evidence reveals the contrary I suspect she's mounted on wheels. She could have been well-versed in the art of the death-stare, a veritable Medusa without the snakes, since a mere pencil drawing had the power to cause fright. Don't gaze upon her face because I have no idea if her powers have dissipated!
You can laugh now.
OK, go away. I got stuff to do.
Comment added on 3/10/06: No, I haven't actually read any of it because poetry gives me hives. I bought it for the sheer comedy value.
