Sophistimicated Doowhacky

When I think "tax refund" I usually think "eBay". Sometimes "rent" and other times "cable bill", but this time it was definitely "eBay". I didn't linger in the Edwardian underwear section, I didn't glance at any Victorian dead baby photos, I didn't even hunt for those Twonky lobby cards that I'll never ever be able to afford because I suck. This time I tripped and fell head-long into the knitting machine section and wasn't able to haul myself out.

Don't let me go back there again because not only did I buy one vintage Brother knitting machine, I bought two vintage Brother knitting machines. I thought the first one would be lonely. The second one hasn't arrived yet, so no happy dance for a couple days yet. This one is, dunno, late 50s-early 60s and the other one is mid 1950s.

I'm just going to say that when they made knitting machines back in the day they made these bad boys out of solid metal. The case has big hunks of chrome on it and the entire thing weighs about 75 pounds. I made an attempt to lug this three blocks from the bus stop and very nearly left it on the sidewalk with one of my arms attached. If I had been hit by a car it would have been totalled. The car, not the knitting machine.

I've wanted a knitting machine since about 1982 and the Bond Craptacular Sweater Machine just wasn't cuttin' it. Frankly it wasn't knittin' it either. So there you go.

First off, I have no idea what the hell this sophistimicated doowhacky even does. Besides knit. I know it knits. Or it's supposed to knit. It probably also has a rocket launcher on the bottom and a slot where you hook up your reel-to-reel tapes. It didn't come with a manual so I had to download one from Brother's Canadian website. Of course they didn't have the correct manual for the Profile 551, they just had the manual for the 551 Ribber Attachment which I don't got. (Gimme a week.) I downloaded four of them, figuring maybe I'd at least find out how to load the damned thing.

And I know "load" isn't a knitting machine term. Or maybe it is. I haven't read through all 178 pages of 3rd-generation Xerox copies scanned into an Adobe format to even know the teensiest bit of what the hell this thing can do. For all I know there could be a dark gray photo with a slightly lighter gray arrow helpfully pointing at the "loading slot". I'm pretty much hoping it will also do my laundry and clean the catbox.

The cat likes it, but then he tends to like anything I tell him to get the hell off of. He's epecially enamored of the 4 ft tall Cat Toy Attachment. Maybe this is to distract the cat while you're cursing the day you were ever born.

I'm hoping I'll finally get to make some of those 1950's machine-knit patterns I've got piling up here. I've turned one or two into handknit patterns but I really don't want to spend the next twelve years knitting a giant 1950s skirt. That's what my robot slave is for!!!

I mean my knitting machine.

Lookit what I made! It's slightly knitted!

I made some holes on purpose.

Of course the cat was totally unimpressed. He's just ticked off that I'm still working on that Olympic sweater you see off to the left. I got three more inches left on the second sleeve and I'll be done. Yup.