Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Your Mama Dresses You Funny, Yadda Yadda Yadda

My asshat neighbors have apparently decided to mark the occasion of living next to me and making my life a living hell for one full year by borrowing a baby. I'm assuming they're doing it just to bug the living crap out of me since everything they tend to do does that. Thirty-two more days and I can get out of this 5-story septic tank...32 more days. Hopefully they don't intend on giving birth anytime within the next 32 days, but you never know, asshats can be pretty resourceful little mofos.

I'll just have to catch up on my sleep in class. I mean, what are lectures for?

Today's first exhibit belongs in the category of Child Endangerment, Strange Hairstyle Division. I don't quite understand the idea here unless it was meant to cushion the head of a very clumsy child or to cleverly hide his antennae. Maybe this was merely a ruse to make him appear taller, or perhaps it's a way to spot him in a crowd of other identical strange little children running amock in the park in cardigans and shorts. You could also be one of those odd people who are upset that your little boy doesn't have his father's peanut-shaped head so to deflect suspicion you do the Play-Doh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop molded hair thing.

Another thing: If it's cold enough to wear a cardigan it's damn sure too cold for shorts.

Exhibit two on the docket is part of the Pre-Made Dork line of children's wear. You've already made quite the little nerd out of your son by knitting him checkered shorts and matching suspenders. It didn't help that you've pulled them up to his little armpits grandpa-style.

The boy's just a wedgie waiting to happen, and oh look, these shorts come Pre-Wedgied! In fact, these things are so wedgied that he'll be lucky if he even thinks about having offspring.

The neighborhood hoodlums won't even have to get their hands dirty.

Poofy Play-Doh HairVogue Knitting Book, 1948 and Pre-Wedgied Dork Shorts, Vogue Knitting Book Fall & Winter 1949.


Sherri said...

I'm thinking both these poor boys grew up to play first triangle in their local dorkestra.

Severina said...

I'm thinking they should have included knitted pocket protectors.

Diana said...

I can't help it.... I love the doo on the first kid. He just needs to dye it orange or blue! Maybe a dog collar around his neck would help too! He just was a little punked before his time!

Scott said...

Hold me, grandma; I'm scared!

Severina said...

There's also the theory that the poofy hairdo is a bit like those neck ruffs on frilled lizards. He's flipped up his topknot in an attempt to make himself look much bigger than the other kids. Pretty soon he'll puff up with air and start spurting blood from his eyes like a horned toad.
Ain't nature wonderful?

Anonymous said...

Maybe he grew up to be the guy in Eraserhead...

Severina said...

*slaps forehead*

How the hell could I have forgotten Erasrhead???

Liz said...

it is quite unforgettable. Grab yerself a guinness, and think back, way back...

Severina said...

You know I was talking to this guy a few months back about our favorite movies & he said he didn't like Eraserhead.

I couldn't talk to him anymore. Really, I couldn't.

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